Category: Ask

Three Editing Examples

Steven Screen  |  Ask
Editing.

We recently helped a nonprofit create a series of emails to raise money to help them recover from flooding at their facilities. 

The emails raised twice as much as any email campaign they’d ever done.

Because people always like our posts that feature “before and after” examples of fundraising copy, here are three simple edits I made to these emails, along with brief explanations for why…

Before #1:
“I couldn’t sleep last night worrying how the staff at the sanctuary will weather this storm, literally.”

After:
“I couldn’t sleep last night because I was worrying about the staff, the babies, and the equipment.”

Reasoning:
In direct response fundraising, specificity is your friend.  The initial copy was conceptual – about how the staff will “weather the storm.”  But the concept was hiding specifics that were meaningful and valuable!  Share the specifics because they are easier for a reader to understand quickly – and usually more meaningful, too.

Before #2:
“Potable water is especially important right now.”

After:
“Water that’s safe to drink is especially important right now.”

Reasoning:
Not everyone knows what the word “potable” means.  And even for readers who are familiar with it, many will have to think about it for a second to recall what it means.  In direct response fundraising, any time you use words that some readers don’t understand and other readers have to think about, you’ve almost certainly reduced how much money you are going to raise.

Before #3:
“Will you please make a generous gift today?”

After:
“As we scramble, would you please make a gift today to help?”

Reasoning:
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with “Will you please make a generous gift today” – in fact it’s very good copy.  But I have found that in an emergency situation, an email that sounds like a “breathless dispatch from the field” will raise far more money than email that sounds like every other email the organization sends.  

So I made sure the email sounded like it was written by a human (not an organization) who was being clear, but was clearly in a crazy situation. 

One of the ways you communicate to donors that the situation is not normal is by using language that is not normal.

Finally, as a bonus, here’s a subject line I worked on:

Subject line Before:
It’s time for immediate action

Subject line After:
Flooding – please help

Reasoning:
The initial subject line could be written by any nonprofit, anywhere, at any time.  The updated version referenced the flooding – something dramatic, concrete, and unique to this organization at this time.

I hope these example edits – and the reasoning behind them – help you with your next email or letter!

The Storytelling Technique That Puts Your Donor Inside the Story

Chris Davenport  |  Ask
Inside story.

(And Why It Raises More Money Than Any “About Us” Paragraph Ever Could)

The following is a hand-picked guest post from Chris Davenport. Enjoy, and you can read more about Chris below.

* * *

Great storytelling doesn’t just make you care.
It makes you feel like you belong in the story.

That’s the magic trick behind one of the most effective storytelling techniques in fundraising:
Write for the donor, not to them.

It’s a tiny shift in language that creates a massive emotional shift in the reader.

Because here’s the truth:
You’re not just telling a story.
You’re inviting the donor to step into it.

Why “TO the Donor” Storytelling Falls Flat

It sounds like this:

“We launched a new program to serve families facing housing insecurity.”
“Our staff provided shelter for 42 families last month.”

That’s writing to the donor.

You’re telling them what happened.
You’re reporting, not storytelling.

There’s no invitation. No emotion.
Just information.

The donor is outside the story, looking in — like reading a plaque at a museum.
They might nod. They might feel impressed.
But they won’t feel needed.

And if they don’t feel needed, they’re not likely to give.

Write “FOR the Donor” — and Watch What Happens

This version pulls the reader into the action — as if they were there:

“You can help a mom tuck her kids into bed tonight in a room that’s warm and safe.”

Now the donor isn’t reading a story.
They’re in the story.

They can picture it.
They can feel it.
And most importantly — they know exactly how to help.

Here’s How It Works:

The FOR Storytelling Framework

You + [emotion or physical action] + [specific outcome]

  • “You’ll hand a warm meal to a child who hasn’t eaten since yesterday.”
  • “You can be the reason someone whispers, ‘I finally feel safe.’”
  • “You’ll flip the light switch in a shelter room that’s been dark for too long.”

The goal? Don’t just describe what happened.
Describe what the donor makes happen.

That’s a story they’ll want to be part of.

Tiny Scene, Big Emotion

Want to take it one step further? Add a detail that locks the scene in their memory:

Instead of:

“You’ll provide winter coats for kids in need…”

Try:

“You’ll zip up a puffy red coat around a 6-year-old named Eli — just before the snow hits.”

That’s not just storytelling.
That’s cinematic fundraising.

How to Use This in Real Life

Next time you write an appeal, a thank-you letter, or a donation page:

Look for the sentences that begin with:

  • “We need…”
  • “Our goal is…”
  • “This program will…”

Rewrite just one using the FOR formula.
Make the donor the one doing the action.
Make them the reason something good happens.

That’s the storytelling switch that unlocks generosity.

Final Word

This isn’t fluff.
This is one of the most powerful storytelling techniques you can learn as a fundraiser:

Write the story so your donor feels like they’re in it.

Not watching.
Not applauding.

Acting.

That’s how you turn a reader into a giver.
And a giver into a champion.

Want more storytelling techniques like this?
You’ll find a whole library of bite-sized wins over in the QuickApply Collection—smart, fast strategies to help you write stories that move people and raise more money. No fluff. Just tools that work.

Go poke around. Your next breakthrough might be one click away.

* * *

Steven says: “Chris Davenport is the founder of the Nonprofit Storytelling Conference – the most practical and impactful fundraising conference there is.  Chris has trained thousands of Fundraisers to use story-driven communication to raise more money and build deeper relationships with donors.  Check out his ‘QuickApply’ library if you’d like to know more, and I hope to see you at this year’s conference!”

How Long is Too Long?

Lisa Sargent  |  Ask
How long is too long.

The following is a hand-picked guest post from Lisa Sargent. Enjoy, and you can read more about Lisa below.

* * *

My job is fundraising copywriting.

So if people don’t read the direct mail appeals I write, you better believe I know it. Revenue, response, retention, those things are going to go down.

Which means I also know – firsthand – that when someone tells you, “No one reads long letters anymore” – it’s rubbish.

But we’re not here to be combative.

Instead, I want you to think about your letters like a working fundraising writer.

So today we’re going to take that “No long letters ever” myth (because it IS a myth) and run with it…

Let’s assume you one day decide your fundraising appeals will not… must NEVER… exceed 1 sheet of paper. (DO NOT decree this in real-life please. It’s a huge mistake. Keep reading.)

Let’s also assume you want to format your letter for maximum readability (readability boosts response fyi). This means:

  • You need 1-1.5” for your nonprofit logo/letterhead
  • You want 1” margins left and right
  • You want ~1” for bottom page margin
  • You need type size set at 12-14 points, in a font that isn’t condensed
  • You need to tab (indent) your paragraphs
  • You need 1-2 lines for a page turn reminder (e.g., ‘continues on other side’; watch my YouTube video w/ John Lepp on this)
  • You need 1-1.5” for your signature block and side 2 sign-off
  • You may (or may not) need an add’l .5 -.75” for footer with your charity number, tax ID, disclaimer, etc.
  • You may (or may not) need a 2” address block.

I am NOT saying you can’t successfully write short. You can. I have. Lots of others, too.

What I AM saying is that after the above, you have about 750 words to get the job done.

Add a paragraph on both sides to ask for a gift, and you’re at, what, 650 words?

In the wrong hands these letters get real boilerplate, real quick. In real-life, this works so much better:

Make your fundraising appeals as long as they need to be to:

  • Tell your story with emotion, clarity, resonance, truth, and urgency, present a strong offer, and provide repeated calls to action.
  • Format for readability.
  • If you use photos (Designer Sandie and I often do), you also need space for photo captions.

From nearly two decades of measured results like conversions, click-throughs, average gifts, and response rates, I can tell you this:

Many of my best-performing appeals are 6-page letters. (Yup. Recently, too.) Many others are 4-page letters.

Several of these include multi-year control packs (a.k.a. banker’s packs, that have yet to be surpassed in terms of results and response).

Some are 2-pagers. None are postcards. And again, all of this is based on actual results.

Top emails? 450 to 750+ words. (More on that in a minute.)

So if your team is agonizing over short letter vs. long, have them focus instead on what no one really wants:

Inline
Credit: Photo (c) Lisa Sargent, Thankology [design: S. Collette]

No one wants a 4-page letter crammed onto 1-page/2-sides;

No one wants 8-point type with yawning wide line measures that skyrocket eye fatigue and create an Impenetrable Wall of Text (what do I mean? see above);

No supporter wants boilerplate EVER. They want emotion, a strong offer, life, authenticity, connection, urgency, love. 

Write the above into all your creative briefs before you mandate letter length, and watch your fundraising appeals improve.

For your emails? 

You can absolutely write longer (as in 450-750 words). But remember to keep it top-heavy: 

  • You have 1-2 lines to get to the point. 
  • Make your first call to action (i.e., Ask) within 140 words. (My best-performing emails do this in the first 90 words or so.)
  • Front-load your subject line (best parts first)
  • Below first call to action you can expand your story, and add repeated calls to action after that
  • Check out NextAfter’s research around plain-text emails (and, really, their entire Digital Research Library: great for experimenting with format) 

Now here’s one last tip, exclusively for Better Fundraising Co. blog readers (that’s you!)… just to really shake things up… one last letter that should really be just one page long.

Meet the one letter that’s really one page: Your donation thank-you letter.

In my book Thankology (on Amazon or Bookshop) there’s an entire chapter called “Clear thinking on the format fog: The core pieces your thank-you pack needs.”

The nutshell version is this:

Almost all the time, your donation thank-you letter should be a 1-page, 1-sided letter, specific to the appeal or newsletter or occasion that prompted it.

Why? Two reasons.

First, because you want the whole, wonderful thing to be visible when your reader opens the letter. Your longer appeal letter, remember, did the long-as-it-needs-to be job.

THIS letter, your thank-you letter, gets the short and sweet spotlight: All the love and gratitude magic right there on one page.

Second, because if it’s longer, you run the risk of it looking like an appeal. Want to add a photo? Why not pop in a little photo card? (Added benefit: your supporter has a mantle-worthy keepsake to remind them of their connection to your cause, and your lovely thank-you.)

Remember: Appeal letters are longer. Thank-you letters, almost always, are not.

Now the next time someone tells you, “Your letter always has to be one page or else,” you have a smarter, results-based way to look at things.

Go forth and write that appeal with great heart… as long as it needs to be!

* * *

Steven says: Lisa Sargent is a fundraising expert and the author of Thankology, the best book on thanking donors that I’ve ever read.  You can (and should!) subscribe to her newsletter here.

Did this post on letter length help you? If yes, you can:

Thank you for reading today, and big thanks to Steven, Jim, and The Better Fundraising Co. for sharing a place on their blog. J

© Lisa Sargent and Lisa Sargent Communications, used with permission. If you adapt or repurpose this content in any format, please be a guardian of good karma and get your proper permissions. And, of course, remember that this information is provided for informational purposes only, and should not be considered as legal advice on any subject matter.

An Idea to Help Your Donor Acquisition

Steven Screen  |  Ask
Bright idea.

When you’re talking or writing to people who are not donors, and you’re thinking about what to say, here’s a truth to remember: 

None of them care about your organization, but some of them care about your cause or beneficiaries.

So, don’t start off your speech or letter by talking about your organization.  Attempting to start a relationship by talking about something you know the other person doesn’t care about is not a successful tactic. 

On the other hand, if you start off talking about your cause or beneficiaries, then the people who care are immediately interested in what you have to say. 

Now you’re ahead of the game.

Now, the people who are most likely to donate are the people who are paying attention.  And they already know that you care about what they care about.

In the very first moment, you’ve established common ground with the people who are most likely to donate.

And I have to add, the “holy grail” is talking about your cause or beneficiaries and tying it to a value to everyone believes in.  Think opening lines like:

“No one should have to suffer from a disease when the cure costs $100.  And now that you know you can massively improve a person’s life for less than the cost a nice dinner out, let me tell you how you can do it and why it’s important.”

Now everyone is paying attention. 

Or you could start by telling everyone what year your organization was founded.

* * *

Hey, my business partner Jim Shapiro is giving a free strategy session next Tuesday on event fundraising — and how a small but powerful shift in your speaking program can help you raise a whole lot more money.

See, most nonprofit events put all the emphasis on the wrong things. And I don’t want you make the same mistake in your next event. So click the link below to register for the strategy session and learn Jim’s “Mullet Method” for event fundraising.

https://betterfundraising.com/event-fundraising-webinar

PS — There’s limited availability so that Jim can have a real conversation with you. This is NOT one of those webinars where someone talks for 55 minutes straight. There will be lots of time for questions.

For more info, click here.

Top 3 Tips for Fundraisers Looking to Level Up Their Monthly Giving

Erica Waasdorp  |  Ask

The following is a hand-picked guest post from Erica Waasdorp.  Enjoy, and you can read more about Erica below.

* * *

Here are my top three tips for fundraisers who are looking to start growing their monthly giving program to the next level.

1. Commit to Monthly Giving

If you’re not committed to growing, you’re never going to grow. This is not a once and done campaign. Monthly giving should be included in your overall fundraising strategy.

One way to commit is by making a monthly gift yourself to your own organization. Another way is to give monthly to a few other organizations you like or admire. It’s a great way to see what they’re doing.

The main reason why a donor gives monthly is because they want to help. Making a recurring gift is more likely to fit in their budget, but if they don’t want to help because you’re not explaining the need and making the donor part of the solution, all bets are off.

2. Make It Easy for Your Donor to Find the Monthly Giving Option

I still see way too many websites where monthly giving is buried in ways to give, and it takes multiple clicks to get there. Check out tactic No. 6 from this NonProfit PRO article on numerous tests from NextAfter.

What do you have to lose by adding an extra button on the homepage and an extra button in an email? It’s a tactic successfully used by numerous organizations, and it’s not going to hurt your one-time giving revenue.

3. Create a Mini-Story or Nudge

In one sentence, how does a monthly gift help your constituents, your animals, patients, clients? Here are just a few examples:

  • “Start your monthly gift to ensure that more children can receive lasting support, access learning and have a better opportunity for the future. “
  • “You can help create lasting change by giving monthly, empowering people to lift themselves out of poverty.”
  • “Your monthly gift will make a difference every day and every month for neighbors in need.”
  • “Your monthly gift ensures seniors don’t have to choose between food and rent.”

Don’t overthink it. Just start somewhere, and you can always refine your message further.

Then look at your communication channels and messages and see where you can add the button and your mini story.

Your email newsletter? Your print newsletter? Your direct mail appeals? A buck slip in your thank-you letter? Your survey? The options are endless.

* * *

Steven says: This is a guest post from Erica Waasdorp, the renown (and wonderful!) author of Monthly Giving Made Easy.  If you want to start a monthly giving program, or make yours better, start with Erica.  Sign up for her newsletter (plus free resources) here.

This post was originally published by NonProfit PRO on October 16, 2023.

Could Your Fundraising Be More Accessible?

Steven Screen  |  Ask
Accessible.

Here’s a goal for your fundraising in 2025 – make it more accessible.

The ethical reasons are clear: we should not make unnecessary design and language choices that make it harder for people to see, read and understand.

Additionally, the financial reasons are clear:

  • When more people can easily read your fundraising, more of your fundraising will be consumed, and you’ll raise more money.
  • When more people can quickly understand your fundraising, more people will keep reading, and you’ll raise more money.

Our next three blog posts will be full of tips for how you can make your fundraising more accessible.  All of the tactics we’ll share, as well as the overall idea, are part of the Universal Design movement.  (But we just call it smart fundraising 🙂 )

In the meantime, take a look at your fundraising and ask yourself:

  • Is the text easy for an older person to read?
  • Is the design easy for a “scanner” to quickly know what’s most important?
  • Is the copy written so that the reader needs a college education to understand it, or is it accessible to people with less education?

It’s emotionally stretching for an organization to make their fundraising more accessible.  But you’ll be doing the right thing.  And in my experience, you’ll also raise more money.

This post was originally published on March 19, 2024.

The Lesson

Steven Screen  |  Ask
Simplicity.

Years ago I served an organization that was raising about $350,000 per year from their individual donors.

They had a belief that they needed to share all of their programs, and show how those programs worked together to “solve the whole problem,” in order for donors to give gifts.  Their belief resulted in fundraising that spent significant time describing their programs and how their programs worked together.

I advised them that they needed to keep things simpler.  I suggested that they focus an e-appeal on one specific program.

They pushed back:

“We’re not a simple organization like one of those big national organizations you work with.  What we do is complex.”

I explained to them the lesson I had learned over the years: that the big national organizations have sophisticated approaches and programs, but that they purposefully keep their fundraising simple and emotional in order to make their organization more accessible to more people.

Those big organizations want everybody to be able to donate, not just the people who are interested enough to learn about their programs.

The organization I was working with had assumed that because the fundraising to individual donors was simple, the organization and its programs must be simple. 

But the lesson is that those big organizations appear simple because of a conscious messaging choice.  In their fundraising to individual donors, they choose to focus on single programs or simple outcomes because doing so is proven to help them attract more new donors and raise more money from current donors.

Sophisticated fundraising looks simple on purpose.

This post was originally published on November 26, 2024.

You Must Earn Your Donors’ Attention (they don’t read the whole thing)

Steven Screen  |  Ask
Attention Span

Most nonprofits, without realizing it, make a big assumption when they write their fundraising.

They assume their donors will read the whole thing. The whole email. The whole letter.

That’s a really unhelpful assumption.

Here’s a heatmap of a 1-page direct mail letter. It shows what a donor’s eyes tend to look at, and in what order it happens:

Click image to see a larger version.

We could spend a lot of time talking about what this means for your fundraising writing and design. But there’s one main lesson I want you to take away…

You Have to Earn and Keep a Donor’s Attention

You cannot assume your donor will read the whole thing.

Well, you can. But you’ll raise a lot less money.

So first you have to earn your donor’s attention. That’s having a great teaser on your envelope. Or a catchy subject line for your email. You need to get good at those things.

For your mass donor fundraising to excel, you need to be better at earning attention than you need to be at describing your organization or your programs.

That might feel like a “sad truth.” But it’s a really helpful truth if you want to raise more money and do more good.

How to Earn Donor Attention

There are three main ways to earn donor attention. You need to make your fundraising:

  1. Interesting to donors. This almost always means talking about your beneficiaries and your cause more than your organization and your programs. Remember: your donor first got involved because
    of your beneficiaries or cause, not because of your programs.
  2. Emotional. Emotions are what keep us reading. You want to constantly be using the emotional triggers: Anger, Exclusivity, Fear, Flattery, Greed, Guilt, Salvation.
  3. Dramatic. You want your fundraising to be full of drama and conflict.

Here’s an example. You already know that your first sentence of any fundraising appeal is super important. Take a look at these two:

“[NAME] Theatre is dedicated to producing high-quality, daring productions that take on challenging topics.”

vs.

“I’m writing you today about something you care about – and it’s in danger.”

I can basically guarantee you that more people are going to keep reading the second example. It’s written directly to the donor, it’s about something she cares about; it’s emotional, and it’s dramatic.

The first example – from a real letter from my files – is a classic example of telling the donor something the donor probably already knows and doesn’t really care about.

Note: Arts organizations often say that their fundraising can’t be emotional or dramatic because they don’t have babies or puppies to raise money for. I think the first example above shows that Arts organizations can absolutely be dramatic and emotional in their fundraising – they just need to think about it differently. After all, if a Theatre can’t get dramatic, it’s probably not that great a Theatre!

The Big Lesson

Your donors are moving fast. They don’t read the whole thing, watch the whole thing, or listen to the whole thing.

You need to get great at getting and keeping their attention. Study it. Know what your donors care about and then borrow tactics from advertising and social media to get your donor’s attention. And remember; we have 70 years of best-practices for earning and keeping donor attention. Smart fundraisers have learned a LOT over the years. Tap into it!

Because if you can earn your donors’ attention, they are more likely to keep reading.

And if you can keep your donors’ attention, they are more likely to give you a gift.

This post was originally published on March 12, 2019.

Creating Tension or Revealing Tension?

Steven Screen  |  Ask
Tension.

I was speaking with a founder of a nonprofit recently, and she said something that was so good I knew I had to share it with you…

We were talking about sharing the needs of beneficiaries in appeals and e-appeals. I shared that we believed in sharing those needs, even though sometimes doing so made donors uncomfortable. Her reply was fantastic:

She knew those stories sometime caused tension in donors, she said.

Then she continued…

“When we nonprofits tell a story that shares the needs of a beneficiary, we don’t create the tension that the donor feels. The story just reveals the internal tension the donor holds between how the world is and how they believe the world should be.”

I love that! It jives with how I’ve always felt: great-performing appeals remind a donor that “something’s not right in the world, but it could be if you help.”

And it hints at why sharing the need is so effective in appeals and e-appeals: it taps into something the donor already knows and feels.

No education is needed. No programs or processes need to be discussed.

It’s like a shortcut to the donor’s heart. To what she cares about most.

Your donors want to make the world a better place. So share “stories of need” in your appeals and newsletters. (Save your “stories of triumph” for your newsletters and other Reporting tactics.)

Use a story to remind your busy donors that the problem your organization is addressing is affecting people right now, today. And that their gift will make a meaningful difference.

When you do, more donors will exercise their values by giving a gift through your organization.

And later – in separate communications – be sure to remind your donors of the good that their gift and your organization has done. Because if you’re going to reveal the tension, you should also reveal the triumph.

Organizations that only do one or the other aren’t raising as much money and doing as much good as they could be.

This post was originally published on October 5, 2021.