Tag: clarity

Hollow Highlights and Pronoun Problems: Never Emphasize a Word That Can’t Stand Alone

Steven Screen  |  Ask

As a sort of “companion piece” to my recent post on highlighting too many things, here’s more hard-won advice about underlining and bolding in your fundraising:

The words you highlight should be understandable without reading the whole piece.

Here’s what I mean.  The following is a screenshot of a story I recently reviewed for a print newsletter.  Focus on the bolded copy:

If you only reading the headline, subhead and emphasized copy (which is all than an estimated 80% of people read), you will receive the following message:

  • You have given her a better future
  • Because of you, Sovanna is learning, growing and becoming more confident
  • But that all changed with your gift

What does the last sentence mean?  What all changed?  I thought Sovanna was doing great, but I guess she’s not doing great any longer?  And I caused that? 

The reader doesn’t know what the sentence means, and it possibly changes the meaning of the whole story.  That is a big problem if the emphasized copy is the only thing a donor reads – which is true for most donors!

Now, contrast that to my edited version:

Now look at the three things a “scanner” would take away:

  • You have given her a better future
  • Sovanna’s Mom is going to tell you how much you improved her daughter’s life
  • You provided a backpack, notebooks and other school supplies that Sovanna needed.

I made a handful of changes, but the change I want to focus your attention on is the bolded sentence in the middle of the story.  We went from a sentence the donor doesn’t understand (she doesn’t know what the word “that” refers to), and the donor doesn’t know if the change was good or bad – to a sentence that clearly tells the donor the concrete things that happened because she gave.

When you’re choosing what to bold or underline, always check for two things:

  1. The words or sentence must be understandable even if the donor hasn’t read the rest of the piece.  Watch out for pronouns that reference sentences that the donor likely hasn’t seen!  The word “that” in the original is a perfect example of this.
  2. The bolded or underlined copy, taken together, should tell a coherent story.

Always always always remember that most donors will scan before they read.  And many donors will only scan and never read. 

Learn to write and emphasize your fundraising to make sense to scanners.  When you do, you dramatically increase the number of people who will receive the message you’re trying to send.

Should You Write at a Sixth Grade Level?

Tom Ahern  |  Repeat
Sixth grade reading.

The following is a hand-picked guest post from Tom Ahern. Enjoy, and you can read more about Tom below.

* * *

Do low grade scores read as dumbing down?

If you write an appeal at the 6th-grade level, you’re not targeting kids. You’re helping busy adults “get” your ask as fast as possible.

[The subhead above was written at the 6th-grade level, as scored by Flesch-Kincaid. It has a reading ease score of 76 out of 100, far ABOVE the desired minimum of 55. Did you recoil? Did you instantly think: “Dammit, Tom. Stop talking down to me!”]

——

There it was… in my email in-box: the Bat signal … from a friend and colleague…

Hi Tom,

I have a work problem and need your help, please!

When I got to [insert charity name here; it’s in NYC], they were passing the foundation’s quarterly impact reports verbatim on to major donors.

My boss saw that I have the comms knack and let me take over editing these to make them “individual-donor friendly” – mainly choosing one impact story and highlighting a person receiving benefit from our programs, with photo, etc…

Now we have a new VP of Development. The guy who writes these foundation reports directly reports to her… and she is now letting him stick his nose into what we are doing. He has no training in fundraising.

While I was at a doctor appointment a few weeks ago, my junior colleague agreed to share the draft he and I had been working on with this guy, who proceeded to torture him for 45 minutes and tell him how stupid he was for using low Flesch-Kincaid grade scores as our benchmark. To summarize the marcomm rant: “Our donors are not stupid” etc.

You’ve heard it all before.

So I have a very small window in which to educate this ignoramus. I have a big folder of stuff I’ve accumulated over the years plus books.

Do you have any sort of executive summary of Tom’s laws that I can share? If not, I can provide the kit and kaboodle to my colleague, and he can distill it down.

Best,
[name deleted]

PS: I can’t believe this is happening.

——

My reply to [name deleted]…

Preach, sister. (And so sorry!)

Clearly, your marcomm guy doesn’t know what he doesn’t yet know. And weren’t we all in those shoes once upon a time?

It’s almost an unbelievable story, after all.

Who would guess that the Flesch-Kincaid readability scales are one of the best-kept trade secrets of the world’s most successful direct-mail copywriters?

Or who would guess that these same Flesch-Kincaid ease-of-reading scales dictate how the U.S. Navy writes its maintenance manuals? Keeping that sophisticated machinery humming are bright, recent high-school graduates. Hey, sailor: Got a problem? Here’s how to fix it quickly. Even though you’re not a nuclear scientist.

So, my friend, here’s an excerpt from a book I compiled from experts around the world: If Only You’d Known….

If you’re looking for the equivalent to “Tom’s laws,” this is as close as I have.

Chapter 15

What’s the preferred “grade level” of reading for a direct mail appeal?

[  ] 6th grade
[  ] 9th grade
[  ] 12th grade

Grade level and speed reading

[Answer to the quiz above] You’re not sure, right? Well, what if I told you that this particular direct mail appeal hoped to raise donations from alumni of a prestigious university?

In that case, you might assume “12th grade.” The thinking: write at the same grade level as a person’s educational attainment.

Otherwise you commit the insult of “writing down.”

Not exactly

“Grade level,” as measured by the standard Flesch-Kincaid readability scoring system,[1] has nothing to do with your intelligence or how far you went in school.

The system scores just one thing:
How quickly my brain can move through your prose.
Below, on the left, are the readability scores for a successful direct mail letter.

On the right are the readability scores for a university-written case for support. The one on the left will be a brisk read for everyone. The one on the right will be a slog for everyone, including the Ph.Ds.

You decide.

Your writing can bring me clarity and quick understanding. Or your writing can bring me labor. Which do you think is more “reader convenient”… or appreciated?

[1] Built into Microsoft Word and available for free on the internet

* * *

Steven says, “Tom Ahern was described by the New York Times as “…one of the country’s most sought-after creators of fundraising messages.” Tom has what I’d call the industry-leading newsletter about fundraising. Being mentioned in it was a career highlight for me. You can (and should!) subscribe for free here.”

Start on Common Ground

Steven Screen  |  Ask
Brain fog.

If you would like your letters and emails to raise more money, they should begin by talking about something the donor already understands, as opposed to asking the donor to learn something new.

Here’s a made-up example of an appeal that starts by asking the donor to learn new things.

Did you know that 19% of the families in our community have no exposure to the Arts? We call them L.E.A.H.s (Lacking Arts Exposure Households) and a LEAH might be arts-curious, but never had an enjoyable introduction to the Arts that was relevant to their life.

Look at all the work the reader has to do:

  • Understand a statistic
  • Learn a new acronym
  • Learn a new phrase (“arts-curious”)

All that and they haven’t reached the second paragraph!

A Neuroscientist would say, “That paragraph puts a large cognitive load on the reader.” So do you think the reader is more likely to keep reading, or less likely to keep reading, after a paragraph like that?

Now, here’s an alternative approach to the first paragraph, one that begins with what the donor already knows…

A lot of families in our community don’t have the same relationship with the Arts that you and I do. And I know you’d love for everyone to experience the same fulfillment and joy that you feel. But too many people were never introduced to the Arts in a way that was relevant to their life.

In addition to sounding more personal and less like a teacher, that paragraph opens by talking about things the donor already understands and cares about.

A paragraph that speaks to the common ground the organization shares with the donor will create connection with the donor.

The donor is now more likely to keep reading. Which means the donor is now more likely to donate.

Is there ever time for a statistic or bit of education? Sure. But most likely at an event or in some other context (lunch with a major donor, blog post) where both you and the donor have more time.

In a context like the mail or email where donors are moving fast (when was the last time you read a fundraising email top to bottom on your phone?) start with something the donor already knows. Not an education barrier.

This post was originally published on August 8, 2023.

Make Your Copy Clear and Easy to Understand to Raise More Money

Sarah Lundberg  |  Ask
Make it easy.

Before my time at The Better Fundraising Co, I used to be a Director of Marketing and Communications for a nonprofit. But then the nonprofit I was working at needed me to create their fundraising materials, and I discovered a whole new world of expertise — it challenged the beliefs that my nonprofit and I had for how fundraising worked.

But we started raising a LOT more money.  Let me share my journey…

Something that made a big difference for my organization was creating fundraising materials that people could easily understand by writing at a lower reading level, using simpler sentences, and eliminating jargon.

As we started communicating differently, a whole host of worries came up. We worried donors would think we were talking down to them. We worried we wouldn’t come across as the “experts” we were.

We decided to try it anyway.

And none of the things we worried about actually happened.

We started to treat donors like the busy, caring people they were, and they appreciated it. We did the work to make our fundraising writing clear, so THEY didn’t have to do the work to read something dense and full of jargon.

Here are the main issues we focused on to make our writing clear and easy to understand:

  • Using short sentences and short paragraphs
  • Not using internal jargon that our donors wouldn’t easily understand
  • Writing at a reading level between 6th and 8th grade so donors could understand our fundraising writing quickly

It didn’t take a lot to make our materials easier to understand. It didn’t cost any more money or take that much more time. It just took working through some discomfort internally.

But changing these three things to make our copy clear and easy to understand helped us raise more money for our mission!


Read the whole series:

Make Your Appeal Letters Accessible

McKenzie Mitchell  |  Ask
Accessible typewriter.

We want to help you create appeal letters that are accessible for your donors.

You may have heard that the average donor is a 65-year-old woman.  She receives a LOT of mail.  To get through it all, she’s scanning and in a hurry.  But that doesn’t change the fact that she wants to make a difference.

The easier it is for a donor to read and understand your appeals, the more accessible your appeals are, and the more likely your donors are to give.

Here are some ways to make your appeals more accessible for your donors:

  • Use font size 12 and up.
  • Indent the beginning of each paragraph.
  • Write in high-contrast colors (black text on white paper).
  • Write at a middle-school grade level.
  • Use underlines and bolded sentences to show donors the most important sentences.  Each emphasized phrase should be understandable without reading the whole letter in case the highlighted sentences are the only ones she has time to read.
  • Use a double-space after a period.  It will be slightly easier for her to separate your sentences.

Writing accessible appeal letters will help more of your appeals get read, and show your donor the incredible difference she can make for your beneficiaries.  But your donor won’t know the difference she can make if the appeal is written in small text she can’t read, or if it uses colors she can’t see clearly.

It’s little changes like this that will make your appeal letters accessible, and help you raise more money!

What Becker the Yellow Lab Can Teach You about Fundraising Offers

Sarah Lundberg  |  Ask

Recently, I came across the strongest, clearest “offer” I’ve ever seen.

This “offer” came from my dog-nephew, Becker. He’s a one-year-old yellow lab.

Becker LOVES when people visit his house. And he presents one clear offer to each visitor:

“Will you play tug with me?”

Becker shares this offer using his warm brown doggie eyes, with a toy in his mouth and FULL confidence that you will say YES!

When you DO say yes, here’s the game:

You hold onto a toy that gets increasingly slimy while Becker tugs and shakes the toy until your teeth rattle. If you let go, he gives you a puzzled look and then gives you a chance to try again.

Taken at face value, this isn’t a game I would choose to play.

But I say yes nearly every time, because Becker presents his offer (play tug with me!) with urgency and contagious excitement (excited eyes and wagging tail). And I know what he wants is for me to grab the toy and hang on for dear life.

If I don’t respond, he is doggedly persistent and keeps nudging me with the toy until I respond.

Becker does all this without saying a word!

YOU can have this kind of success with your fundraising.

You see, Becker’s offer has three key nuggets that also make an effective fundraising offer.

  1. Shows a clear need
  2. Is urgent
  3. Tells the recipient exactly how to respond

When your fundraising offer is that clear, your donor doesn’t have to guess what’s needed right now. Nor does she have to guess what her gift will make happen. She knows exactly what to do!

This means you’re more likely to get a response and raise more money for your cause and your organization.

So next time you’re putting together a fundraising offer — whether it’s for an appeal, email, event, or in-person meeting — make sure you include all three of Becker’s heart-tugging tactics. Be clear with the need. Share the urgency. And make sure your donor knows what to do next with a clear instruction like “send in a gift today using the envelope I’ve enclosed for you.”

Start on Common Ground

Steven Screen  |  Ask
Brain fog.

If you would like your letters and emails to raise more money, they should begin by talking about something the donor already understands, as opposed to asking the donor to learn something new.

Here’s a made-up example of an appeal that starts by asking the donor to learn new things.

Did you know that 19% of the families in our community have no exposure to the Arts? We call them L.E.A.H.s (Lacking Arts Exposure Households) and a LEAH might be arts-curious, but never had an enjoyable introduction to the Arts that was relevant to their life.

Look at all the work the reader has to do:

  • Understand a statistic
  • Learn a new acronym
  • Learn a new phrase (“arts-curious”)

All that and they haven’t reached the second paragraph!

A Neuroscientist would say, “That paragraph puts a large cognitive load on the reader.” So do you think the reader is more likely to keep reading, or less likely to keep reading, after a paragraph like that?

Now, here’s an alternative approach to the first paragraph, one that begins with what the donor already knows…

A lot of families in our community don’t have the same relationship with the Arts that you and I do. And I know you’d love for everyone to experience the same fulfillment and joy that you feel. But too many people were never introduced to the Arts in a way that was relevant to their life.

In addition to sounding more personal and less like a teacher, that paragraph opens by talking about things the donor already understands and cares about.

A paragraph that speaks to the common ground the organization shares with the donor will create connection with the donor.

The donor is now more likely to keep reading. Which means the donor is now more likely to donate.

Is there ever time for a statistic or bit of education? Sure. But most likely at an event or in some other context (lunch with a major donor, blog post) where both you and the donor have more time.

In a context like the mail or email where donors are moving fast (when was the last time you read a fundraising email top to bottom on your phone?) start with something the donor already knows. Not an education barrier.

Be careful with the phrase, ‘You can help a person like…’

Steven Screen  |  Ask
help

It’s a classic fundraising move.

The appeal letter or email tells a story about a person that your organization has already helped. Let’s call her Catherine. At the end of the story, thanks to your organization’s work, Catherine is doing great.

Then the very next paragraph says, “You can help a person like Catherine today with a gift!”

Whenever I see that I wonder to myself…

“Why did they ask me to help a person ‘like Catherine’? Catherine does not need my help! The whole emphasis of the story is that she’s been helped and is doing great – so if the person is ‘like Catherine’ then they don’t need my help!

It doesn’t make sense to ask the donor to help a person who has already been helped… right?!?

Now, you and I both know what’s going on here. The organization is using the phrase “help a person like Catherine” to mean something like, “help a person who today needs the same type of help that Catherine received.”

But here’s the problem. By not clearly saying what they mean, the letter is a) a little harder to understand, and b) hiding the need.

If I’ve learned anything in my fundraising writing career (30 years as of last month!) it’s that clearly saying what you mean will raise more money than kind of hinting at it and hoping that donors will get it. And I’ve learned that saying that “there are people who need help today” will help you raise more money (and help more people) than accidentally hiding the need.

So, I replace “help a person like…” with sentences like

  • “…help a person who is in the same situation today that Catherine was in: [describe the situation Catherine was facing that she needed help with].” An example of this would be, “You can help a person who is in the same situation today that Catherine was in: unable to afford a college education on her own.” This option still links the statement to Catherine, and clearly states the need that exists today.
  • Here’s another option: “…help a person that [state the services you provide and how they meet the needs]…” For example, “You can help a person by providing a scholarship that will enable them to go to college.” This option doesn’t flat out state the need, but it clearly indicates that the need exists.

It’s good to always remember how fast most individual donors are moving when they read fundraising.

So it’s good to review fundraising writing to make sure it means exactly what we are trying to mean. Any time we Fundraisers make the donor have to figure out what we mean, we raise less money.

Right Value, Wrong Place

Steven Screen  |  Ask
food

Something happened to me in 2002 or 2003 and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

It’s foundational to our approach to fundraising.

I was part of a team serving a large, national charity you’ve likely heard of. They focus on hunger here in the US.

This organization did not like to use the word “hungry” to describe their beneficiaries. They preferred the phrase, “food insecure.”

The team I was a part of were pretty sure that asking a donor to “help a child that is food insecure” would raise less money than asking a donor to “help a child that is hungry.”

The organization allowed us to do a head-to-head test. The results came back and what we suspected was true: when the organization asked donors to help a child who is hungry (or “suffering from hunger” or something similar) they raised more money. And when they asked donors to help a child who is food insecure (or “suffering from food insecurity” or something similar) they raised less money.

The results of the test were shared with the higher-ups at the organization. The ruling came back:

“We’re going to stick with using ‘food insecurity.’ It’s more accurate. Please continue to use ‘food insecurity’ moving forward.”

I was outraged at the time. This organization was making a choice that they knew would cause them to raise less money and help fewer people! (I was also pretty young and hadn’t yet experienced that things like this happen all the time.)

Looking back, my impression is that their decision seemed to be driven by two ideas:

  1. They valued sounding professional
  2. They valued being perfectly accurate

While I agree in principle with both of those values, I’ve come to see how much those values applied in the wrong places can cause an organization to raise less and do less than it could.

On Sounding Professional

The most successful fundraising organizations concern themselves with writing and talking in a way that their donors can quickly understand. They value being understood by the audience more than they value sounding professional.

And the most successful organizations differentiate between audiences. They sound professional when they are talking to other professionals, like partner organizations, foundations, etc. And when communicating to individual donors (who aren’t professionals!) organizations make the generous choice to speak in the donor’s language, not professional language.

On Being Perfectly Accurate

The most successful fundraising organizations tell stories and use language that is representative, not perfect. They know that being perfectly accurate is for experts and professionals – and they know that individual donors are not experts or professionals.

It’s true that “food insecurity” is a more accurate description of a host of scenarios that describe the families this organization helps. It’s also true that “hungry” is an accurate description of one of the most common scenarios that describes the families that this organization helps.

“Hungry” is perfectly legitimate. It’s just not as complete as the organization’s experts would like to be.

Their insistence on accuracy over understandability cost them revenue and impact.

Interesting sidenote to writers: the “hungry vs. food insecurity” conflict is an example of the weird instances when being more accurate can make a piece of communication less clear.

Inclusive, Not Exclusive

At Better Fundraising we help organizations see how positive organizational values like “sounding professional” and “accuracy” can accidentally cause them to create fundraising that’s exclusive.

And we work with them to make their fundraising more inclusive.

When an organization makes its fundraising more inclusive it’s often an uncomfortable process. You have to say things differently than you’re used to. You have to say different things altogether. You even format your communications differently!

But when organizations keep their beneficiaries in mind, it’s not a particularly hard process. And it’s incredibly rewarding when more money starts coming in, from a more inclusive group of donors, and more good gets done.